Namira

the midnight fudgery.

2009-12-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

I feel so happy at night. At night, when everyone is sleeping, I creep out of my bedroom and switch on my laptop like a naughty little girl who doesn't know what bedtime means. I grab my peanut butter jar and a spoon, flick on youtube and enjoy my favourite Korean dramas. When I feel brave enough, I multi-task. I chat with my friends online and instantly, my peanut butter becomes sweeter.

There's something about the night, and the way it has all the things I like.

prince.

2009-12-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

"How about the moon then? How will you eat that?"

"Well, considering it's only half a moon now, I'll wait for it to become a full moon. Then, I'll eat it steamed."

Today was a cousin's wedding. While eating delicious briyani, my grandaunts and mother started talking about my wedding. All my father did was to shoot me a glare and mouth 'A'levels first.' Hooray dad for bringing me back to reality.

Taking a break now from watching Coffee Prince. I just wanted to revisit the good old days when I was happy. Am I happy, you ask? Sometimes I am, but sometimes I just feel like punching people in the face.

You know that feeling? Of course you do. You're the queen of hate, aren't you?

I need five reasons,

2009-12-18T21:20:00.001+08:00

The wind knocks gently on the window of a room as small as me. I force myself not to look up; not to be tempted and seduced by the magic of day and to focus on the intricate cracks on my wall.

I close my eyes and imagine my angel around me. My fingers grasp the sides of my chair tightly, determined not to let the memory go. I open my eyes and there he is. Standing by the window and fingering the lace of my curtains.

I don't let go of my chair, I don't breathe. I fear the harshness of my whisper would blow him away. Already his figure was so wispy and wistful, almost translucent next to the sunlight that pierced through the panes of my window. I begin to cry, knowing that somewhere, evil angels were going to take him away.

He was by my side in an instant, his arm wrapped warmly around my shoulder. I pushed him away. The action tore at my heart, and killed me a bit inside. I stood up and walked to my dresser, careful not to limp. Not to show how I weak I was without his embrace. I gazed at myself in the mirror, not searching for anything. Just an excuse to avoid his now deadly curious and suspicious eye.

'What are you doing?'
'Just stay where you are. Don't come any closer.'
'What if I did?'
'Just don't. You're really bad you know. Who do you think you are?'
'You are the funniest person in the world.'

Stubborn asshole stood up in a flourish and placed his hands on my shoulders, and his lips near my ear. My efforts to stand up were dimmed by his strength. He stared at me through the mirror. At my trembling lips, at my scarlet cheeks, at my flooded eyes.

'Why are you crying?'
'Why are you asking me so many questions? Go away.'
'No I like it here. I want to stay. Now be quiet I want to sleep.'
'On my shoulder?! It's going to hurt.'
'Yeah I know your shoulder is so bony. But it's okay.'
'Yeah your fat head will cushion it for you.'

At that point of time I woke up laughing. Wow, funny how dreams are so damn real!

oooh look! a bird brain.

2009-12-18T12:20:00.000+08:00

I've been listening to my Super Junior albums recently. I've realised that I've never purchased an album and truly loved it before this. You might be saying that I'm biased towards their astonishingly good looks but I've been listening to their music, not watching music videos.

I even have songs for different occasions. For instance, I listen to some songs when I'm getting ready and when I'm going to sleep. When I feel like crying, I listen to this one song that's truly a heartbreaker. It's called 'Let's Not' and it's a break-up song. When I first heard the song, unaware of it's true meaning, my heart ached listening to them singing so sadly. When I finally found out that it was a break-up song, I wanted to slap the SUJU boys for being such heartbreakers.

Especially this one. This is the worst of them all.

'My mother used to say that I was the most good-looking person in this world. I think that too.'

HAHA, funny boy HyukJae.

again and again and again.

2009-12-16T10:07:00.000+08:00

There is something ferociously wrong with me. I don't know if you'd classify it as a real problem but to me, it really is. You see, music is my thing right? I might not be the best singer or dancer, but I sure do worship music. SO whether I'm online, or simply walking to school, music MUST be my faithful companion.

So I have encountered a problem recently. It's not a big issue I assure you. I just feel like talking about it that's all. When I'm online and I find an insanely sick new song that I instantly fall in love with, (like right now it's Again and Again by 2pm which isn't exactly new but to me it is.) I listen to it over and over and over again. AND I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH IT. It comes to the point whereby I have to get that song in my phone because it's so addictive.

AND THEN, once it gets into my phone, I STILL DON'T STOP LISTENING TO IT BECAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Then I listen to it so much that I get slightly bored of it but I do not love it any less. Then I go online, and do my online stuff (??). BUT WHAT'S GOING TO BE MY NEW BACKGROUND MUSIC NOW? What used to be my favourite song has already been ingrained in my mind so I can't use that song. SO WHAT WILL BE?

HAHA when I read this over, I realise it simply doesn't make sense. Oh well.
I love to invent problems for myself. Or problems simply crash into me.
Either way, go away.

the boy next door.

2009-12-15T00:47:00.000+08:00

I live in a quiet white building. It used to be red, but as it faded with time, it looked more like maroon than red. Now it's white because the maroon building disappointed all its residents. Now, I live in a quiet white hospital.

I've never once had a feather of a dream of moving to any place different. I love this white building. It stands tall and proud on a hill, overlooking a miniscule forest and a never ending span of blue sky. I live amongst the sweetest of hearts and the most welcoming of embraces.

I live on the fifth floor on this eight-storey, white building. I take a lift, because the word elevator is too cumbersome, that doesn't reach the top floor. When I was younger, I used to think that the top floor was set aside so that ghosts and angels could stay inside. Since agitated ghosts aren't the friendliest of companies and angels were too amazingly mystical to be disturbed, the people who constructed this building ensured that no one could reach the eighth floor and bother those misty characters.

To my left, lived a suave family with a modern home. Their door was grand and made out of polished wood with a conspicuous gold handle. Parquet floors and glass table tops always trigger a jazz song playing in my head. In this very home lived the boy next door.

The boy next door is skinny and always wear shorts. He's really smart and never invites his friends over. When we were younger and when I was naive, I used to play soccer with him. Just the two of us. He let me kick the ball, in my attempt to score a goal, two metres away from his goalkeeper stance. He'd catch it anyway because he is really fast and skinny people do not need to exert much of a force to fly through the air.

One day, I was watering orchids outside and I saw him walk by. He looked at me and I waved at him. A little smirk was his only response. With a rushed jingle of his keys, he was inside.

It was on that day that I vowed that I would make the boy next door fall in love with me. How is it going so far? Only the walls of my white hospital will know. Until it's next paintjob, I pray they don't disappoint me again.

GOD I am so bored.

the cullens do come here after all.

2009-12-14T19:11:00.000+08:00

Oh my GOD I just had to upload this picture it is just so epic. We spent one whole day working on that 'ship', when it looks more like a boat or a dinghy to me. SIGH sadly though, our beloved boat tore in half. Thank goodness it tore only after the filming. Otherwise, our perfect filming would have been destroyed. Thank you PHOBOS HOUSE COMMITTEE for a lovely day out.

Today I watched NEWMOON with Syafiqah and Siska. Before you big fat cynics, yes you, start saying 'OMG you just watched new moon? HOW SLOW CAN YOU GET? I watched it when it came out sehhh. I'm so cooool.' let me first say that it turned out to be for the better since there were a significantly small number of people in the theatre. So yeah. IN YOUR FACE.

I loved it. It was really romantic and the acting was really good. Furthermore, it was super super super fun because I watched it with Syafiqah and Siska. I'm really glad I chose to watch it with them first before anyone else. We were like the noisiest ones in the theatre. We were literally commenting at each scene. 'OMG Bella is such a bitch.' 'JACOB IS SO HOT.' 'EDWARD IS SO HOT.' 'OMG HARRY CLEARWATER IS SO CUTE HE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE JAPANESE MAN HE IS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER.'

By the way, the last comment was by Syafiqah.

let's do it again girls. ;)

instant noodles.

2009-12-13T14:38:00.000+08:00

I am currently eating my fifth packet of curry-flavoured Maggie Mee this week. Wait.. No it's not the fifth packet. It's the.. oh my goodness. I've eaten nine packets of maggie mee in a week. I am going to die seriously. This is bad for my health. Oh well. At least the first five packets had the healthier choice label on it. I don't know why though. That is the most ironic thing in the world.

The downside is I think I'm gaining weight. My aunt came up to me yesterday, by the way my aunt is seventeen too, and told me I was fat. Astonished, I clutched my belly and lo and behold, I felt fatter. I didn't see much of a difference in the mirror, but darn did I feel those seven maggie mee packets all of a sudden. Freaking hell I have to go to the gym later. GO TO THE GYM NAMIRA.

Ugh, my noodles don't even taste nice anymore. Sheesh.

I went to the gym on thursday for an evening workout just to see whether I would faint after three minutes of exercising. Surprisingly, this was the most benefitial trip to the gym I have ever taken. When I first stepped in, there were like a dozen men on testosterone overload doing mega sit ups and lifting weights. Immediately I felt deflated. How could I compete? I am just a seventeen year old who hates any form of physical activity, other than dance, and snacks on instant noodles and coca cola for a living.

I hate the gym.

I spent a really long time stretching because I wanted to postpone the humiliation for as long as possible. And thanks to dance, I was the best stretcher (not the ambulance stretcher) in the gym. All those men were just doing shoulder stretches. More imaginative ones were doing lunges. I was doing body twists and splits. HEEHEE. I had established my presense and reputation in the gym.

After stretching every limb in my body, I braved to attempt the bicycle thingys. Okay I don't know the name of the gym equipment kay so sue me. I pressed quick start and DAMN IT WAS REALLY FUN. It was just like cycling but you weren't going anywhere. You just cycled and cycled until the time is up which I did! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I wish I could stay on the cycling things forever but I couldn't. People don't go to the gym to cycle only.

I hated treadmills. I still do. So I avoided that. There is this one machine which is sort of like cycling. I mean you move your feet in a circle but you're standing up and your hands are holding these two poles that move at a proportional speed as your feet are. Okay I don't know the name alright? Gym speak is beyond me.

So yeah I tried that and again, I impressed myself. I did it for forty whole minutes! AND WITHOUT MUSIC OOH OOH I FORGOT TO MENTION THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. If you are my best friend or just know me, you would know that music is my life and I go nowhere without it. It's just this whole issue with being able to choose what my ears sense that makes me feel safe and comfortable with my surroundings.

But due to unforseen predicaments,(my earphones disappeared again. I had to buy new ones again.) I had to do without music. Until the last ten minutes when my sister came up to me offering me her psp which I so gratefully took from her. I SPAMMED SUPER JUNIOR MUSIC IMMEDIATELY, and adrenaline began pumping through my veins. I swear I felt like an adrenaline junkie. I went so fast it was amazing. Then my friend who I used to see all the time at the club but didn't recently because of stupid promos which banned me any visit to the sports club came up to say hi.

When I saw her I screamed 'OH MY GOD NISHA I SPENT A WHOLE HOUR IN THE GYM AND I DIDN'T DIE.' She was baffled and didn't say anything for ten seconds. I swear some of the incredible hulks in the background was clapping.

I like the gym now. I can't wait to go later. WOO.

do I need a reason?

2009-12-10T17:13:00.000+08:00

I'll really blog when I have something to talk about but really, I don't. I guess I need an earth-shattering event to bring me out of my blogging siesta which has been reoccuring since, God knows when. I've been spending my time in front of the Korean channel alot and at times, feel sad that I had to depart from the glorious country.

take off the helmet.

2009-12-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

SPAO collaboration with SM Entertainment (Super Junior) is simply sexual.

The photoshoot went bloody amazing.

I was walking down Myeundong when I saw this shop with a gigantic picture of Siwon and Hangeng with three SNSD (ehk) girls. I went inside and it is decked top to bottom with SNSD and Super Junior pictures. AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING.

I haven't really got much to say today. I went to school bright and early to meet with my Phobos house committee members to build a boat out of cardboard. It was super funny. Matthew, Firza and I managed to come up with an EPIC cheer for the house after flipping through the House Committee file of the 2007 batch. I can't say it properly because I always end up laughing when Matthew tries to do it. At least he does it the best among the three of us.

Who says my captain can't cheer?

I'm really tired and I think I'm going to turn in soon. I've been having weird dreams lately but they feel so real as they're occuring. Such bright colours and relevant events. Dreams have a weird way of transporting us to a different life altogether. And the funniest part is that we don't even realise we're dreaming. It's like we've had always lived the life we're dreaming about.

For instance, yesterday I dreamt that I was an assasin sent out to kill a boy who threw lemonade at people who had their mouths open as they walked. It all seemed so natural to me, shooting and stakeouts and such. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It's just another one of nature's wonders.

I'm going to go dream now.

Korea Sparkling, the second year.

2009-12-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

Day Zero.

look at the height difference between me and my grandmommy.

Me and my sister camwhoring like stupid people as usual.

Shit nervous before the flight. (F.Y.I I hate flying. It gives me unbearable nausea.)

Day 1

Barely conscious at Incheon Airport.

Sightseeing at night.

Daay 2

Though this jacket makes me look fat, it should be grateful that I brought it.

We found these oranges shaped like hearts in a supermarket. CUTE OR WHAT?

Nadia and I found this enclave of goodies called a CD shop where they sold an array of Korean Pop music. THAT THING I'M HOLDING THERE IS MY NEW SUPER JUNIOR 3 ALBUM! I also bought the second one. heehee.

Korean Forever 21.

Ingenious forms of advertising.

The beautiful streets of MyeunDong.

2009-11-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't have done that,

I should have just ignored it,

Like something I couldn't see,

Like something I can't see,

ah yes,

I shouldn't have looked at you at all.

I should have ran away,

I should have acted like I didn't hear it,

Like something I couldn't hear,

Like something I can't hear,

ah yes,

I shouldn't have listened to love at all.

Without a word you let me know love,

Without a word you gave me love,

You even made me take hold of your breath but you ran away like this,

Without a word love leaves me,

Without a word love tosses me away,

What should I say next?

My closed lips were surprised on their own.

Coming without any words.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why does it hurt continuously?

Except for the fact that I can't see you anymore,

And that you aren't here anymore,

Otherwise it is the same as before.

Without a word you let me know love,

Without a word you gave me love,

You even made me take hold of your breath but you ran away like this,

Without a word love leaves me,

Without a word love tosses me away,

What should I say next?

My closed lips were surprised on their own.

Coming without any words.

Without a word tears fall,

Without a word my heart breaks down.

Without a word I wait for love,

Without a word I hurt because of love,

I zone out, I become a fool because I cry looking at the sky.

Without a word farewell finds me,

Without a word, the end comes to me,

I think my heart was surprised for sending you away without preparation,

It came without a word.

Without a word it comes and leaves,

Like the fever before, maybe all I need is to let it hurt for a while.

Because in the end only scars are left.

The lyrics are pretty simple. No one would actually sing this song in English because the lyrics just don't flow and well, it doesn't rhyme. Plus they're not romantic enough. But as you can hear in Korean, the singer sings it with such raw emotion that it hurts anyone listening to it.

I guess only Connie and I know how much this song symbolises hurt in the Korean drama we both adore which is, You're Beautiful. I guess we can never truly understand or feel what Hwang Tae Kyung or Go Mi Nam/Nyu or especially Shin Woo or even Jeremy goes through when this song starts lingering in the background. But you can bet that a box of tissues are in order.

I'm leaving for Korea in two hours. After which I hope to come back with a sound and rational mind. While hope and fantasy may delight or bring us satisfaction, we all know that it is only temporary. We need accidents or crashes to bring us down to boring old reality. I never realised that until yesterday, when reality slapped me in the face.

It is inevitable. Girls like Jandi or Go Mi Nyu don't even have to try. They can be whoever they want to be, even themselves, and boys come crashing into them. And they're mostly, rich, astonishingly handsome, kind, charming, tall, handsome little buggers who breaks the hearts of every other girl other than the very girl who doesn't want them.

I guess you either have to be living in a fantasy drama or South Korea for that to happen. Who knows, maybe I'll even bring back my own Shin Woo back to Singapore since all the ungrateful Go Mi Nyu bitches in South Korea don't want him.

Dear God,

Let me be happy.

see me.

2009-11-28T23:38:00.002+08:00

In a way you could say I'm feeling upset. Yet when I try and piece it all together, do I have reason to be? I tried and tried but for what? What have I achieved thus far? Some of you might be laughing at me now but never did I once think that I minded being laughed at. The feeling now is so indescribable, it's amazing. I walk around with this cloud over my head and wish I could just shoo it away.
What have you done to me? This was not what I wanted.
But you wanted it.

I suppose, looking back, there have been alot of times when I said I was fine when I actually wasn't. There were many times I lied because I didn't want things to change, neither did I want things to part. Looking back, there were so many things I wanted to ask, so many questions in my head but I wouldn't ask them fearing what you would say. How you would react.

I guess I know now that I should never be myself with you. You are amazing, witty and charming. But you're a heartbreaker. All I can do now is look back. You'll realize one day, that the very reason why this happened, is the very reason you promised to stay for long.

Loved is the worst word anyone could ever use.

너라고

2009-11-26T12:26:00.000+08:00

In case you're wondering what those words mean in Korean, it means It's You. Neorago.

How such small sayings could bear so much depth and emotions is beyond me. I could never manifest such expressions without going overboard. Which makes me wonder how Super Junior does it. Haha. Before you go all HADI LEE and say 'what the heck they don't even write their own songs,' let me first say that they sing it okay? And that's good enough for me.

Yesterday was utter brilliance. I know I use those two words in vain often but really, it was nothing short of amazing fun. I never knew that being able to lead an entire house could be so much fun! And I got to teach them one of the things I love doing which is dancing.

It was really gratifying when people came up to me to tell me that the dance was really great and that they had real fun doing it as a house. I can't wait for the next practice it's going to be mindblowing.

PHOBOS THE BEST GIVE ME A HELL YEAH.

<3

2009-11-22T11:34:00.000+08:00

Me loves my grandmother.

Through bad hair days and bad postures, she still loves me.

I should have said dare.

2009-11-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

"Truth or dare."

"Truth."

"Who are you thinking about right now?"

"A soccer player."

"How cliche. Is he good?"

"Yes, he is."

"What position does he play?"

"I don't know,"

"Okay. What's his jersey number?"

"I don't know. I've never seen him play."

coward.

2009-11-16T13:16:00.002+08:00

I hate people who judge people instantly. The type that mocks people the second they look at them. People who go 'OMG that minah is such a bitch look at her eyeliner it's so stupid.' when they are wearing even stupider eyeliner and are acting even more like minahs.

I hate people who go around saying everyone sucks when they themselves don't see themselves for who they are. When you think the whole world sucks other than your boyfriend, you know somewhere in your mind, something is really really screwed up or its just that people hate your face and you have to take it out somewhere.

CAMP WAS GREAT BY THE WAY. NOBODY HATED ME AT CAMP. IT'S HONESTLY SO REFRESHING. NEW BEST FRIENDS ROCK.

I'm not as old as you anymore.

2009-11-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

without touch,

you've made me turn crimson at the littlest things you say.

without sound,

you've taught my heart to sing and wander.

without actions,

you've shown me love.

you're like a fever I want to let linger.

just let it hurt for a bit longer.

you've turned my mind into a carousel.

golden lights shoot off mirrors and carriages.

spinning and spinning,

a combination a deliria and esctacy.

As I lay here, I love silently,

I take in a deep breath, and you tell me to hold it.

Because the best is yet to come.

I wish you all the love in the world,

happy birthday.

rokkugo!

2009-11-09T07:24:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend's pretty.

my boyfriend's heart is prettier.

Today is D-day. I think I'm going to cry later after my oral presentation because it just symbolises the end of practically the entire of my project work life (screw I&R). The guys have just been so nice to me. I can't imagine another bunch of people I'd rather work with. Sure I'm the only girl, and sure sometimes I feel really small and feel unable to speak my mind, but hello, these boys are some of the nicest in the world.

I'll get all sappy about it later kay.

Yesterday, we all had a self-instigated class rehearsal at Dinesh's house. I met Dalston who could barely walk (HANDSOME, PLEASE GET BETTER) and Yue Hao. Dalston, my suave group member swooped over with a taxi to pick me and Yue Hao up.

I swear whatever Dinesh's relatives were cooking in the kitchen was driving me insane. I wanted it so bad. I had cravings for Indian food since then. I want briyani again. I cannot believe I'm saying this even after I went to ZamZam with the guys to eat fried chicken briyani and went for an Arab wedding after.

OMG THE ARAB WEDDING WAS SO HYPED UP.

I've been to a lot of Arab Weddings before but this one took the cake. Firstly, I just realised that I am one eighth Bajrai, which is an Arab Family kind of thing. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. I bear no Arabic features whatsoever. Everyone there was so beautiful and exotic. Even the guys.

The bride was stunning in a full length snow white wedding gown embroided with millions of sequins and beads. I vowed to have a gown just like that when I get married. Actually you don't actually need to get married to wear something like that right? I mean, you can wear it to like... your sister's wedding or something. heehee.

There was dancing too! Oh my goodness I wanted to join in the dancing but dad said it was only for men. That didn't stop me from watching. Though the song sounded like it was never going to end, the dancing was still so full of energy. Everyone's favourite part was when the eldest woman of the family stood up, went to the dancefloor and started dancing with the guys. Some of which could most probably have been her great grandchildren or something.

baik kappa.
okay I'm going to go eat an egg sandwich for luck now.

bye.

make me proud future me.

2009-11-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

Today was a day invested with a turmoil of emotions and such. It's kind of hard to wrap my head around the whole day because there were just so many things that happened. There were some tears, yet some stomach-curling laughter. How do I summarise my day in one word? It's impossible to call it neutral because it was far from it. It was inflatory. That's the word. Very, very inflatory.

Ms. Lai's words really struck a chord in me. I'm not going to say that she was demoralising or brutal or whatever because I think, wait I know, that she has our best interests at heart as a principal. I really really want to do well at everything I do. But, how can I when I'm participating in all manner of events? You might be saying, 'oh namira. just drop a couple of stuff, then.' It's so difficult even I can't believe it.

I don't want all my efforts to go to waste. I don't want little Namira from the past having a sucky future after all she's done. Ugh, you know what, I'm not even going to go there anymore. It's meant for silent contemplation in my mind instead of a vulgar outburst on a blog.

Today I had dance practice with the house committee. It was super fun and super awesome because we got to use the dance studio. In the entire house committee, I was the only one who is involved with the Performing Arts CCA. So I was bragging about how the studio was my floorball pitch or my football field. I wonder how long I can keep that up for.

Not only was it a dance practice, but it really gave us a chance to chat for a bit and even play a bit of karaoke party. My house committee members rock.

I must focus on the things that make me happy in my life. My family, my 09S104, superjunior, dancing, my house committee, my best friends (some of which I never get to see. SORRY SISKA.), and of course, love. yes, love.

What are YOU living for? Friendship? Love? The way I see it, they're just plastic decorations you set up to make your life look more interesting and less pitiful. I feel sorry for you.

tired but tired.

2009-11-03T07:00:00.001+08:00

What a week! I'm not going to complain though because it's only... Monday. I'm really looking forward to this week because it's going to be uber crazy. Oh shit I just remember that me and Emmanuel, that sweetheart, have to do the proposal for the MMM thing. EMMANUEL! CALL ME!

SO I've been really caught up in the whole PW/DANCE DILEMMA/OGL/HOUSE COMM mess but I'm finding my way out. Honestly, if it weren't for my beloved house committee members, I'd be lost right now. And they make my life insane. Which is just the way I like it.

I really hope I can get my mind right to settle myself down and academically prepare myself for the year ahead. Oh yeah, I got promoted. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT BECAUSE I CAN'T.

check you later.

when you take yourself seriously, I'll try my best to do the same.

2009-10-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

I'm exhausted. I really am tired. My arms ache from typing too much. Faiz got so happy when he realised he could type without looking at the keyboard. I've typed so much in my life that I can close my eyes and type at the same time. You might assume I'm complimenting myself here but to be perfectly honest, it just shows you the amount of time I spend in front of the computer. And it's very annoying.

I don't really know what's keeping me alive at this moment. I don't know whether it's the anticipation of all the stuff coming up or whether I'm just staying alive because I have to.

Warning: I'm about to incoherently babble like a chicken now. I don't think you'd want to pay attention.

When I look at the way I see my life, I like to look at things that are bothering me. For instance, if I lied to someone, I would find it difficult to sleep at night because I'd be tosssing and turning, hungrily wondering whether or not there's a chance he or she might find out about it. Subconsciously, my phyical habits are attributed to the fact that I am indeed a very emotional person that constantly finds herself in the deepest of shit holes.

I don't know how to not fall apart. My mind has been wandering aimlessly, etched to an unknown goal or destination that seems to keep me going. I'd say I'm hanging on to something but I really don't know what.

I think we've reached the age where we begin to see our lives as a gift we are obligated to receive. The things we do don't necessarily amount to anything presently or in the future. What are we rooting for exactly? God knows I really want to know.

So I guess what we have to do focus on the things that make our life worth living instead of brooding on why. For me, the companionship of my beloved friends and family are the very reason why I keep going even though my head doesn't want to. I might not have anything to look forward to now, but everyday, I wake up and think 'Damn it I wish today was Sunday.'

I lied to someone today.
It wasn't a huge lie but it was a lie. And I told it to someone, I've only recently began to trust. I don't know if he or she would pursue the truth or just perceive it the way I told him or her. I really hope its the latter because I really cannot handle anymore bullshit in my life. I don't want to hurt this person. But, I have to make decisions nowadays that I'm not so proud of.

You might think I'm brooding now. But the way I see it, I'm trying to console myself. Reasons she won't find out:

1. They work on different levels.
2. She barely knows him.
3. He barely knows her.
4. I'm not that interesting anyway.
5. She's probably really busy so I doubt she'll press on the matter.
6. She's her and not HER.
7. I think she forgot his name because I kind of on purpose mumbled it when she asked for it.
8. Maybe he won't be there tomorrow. By the time they even see each other's faces, she'd have totally forgotten about our dark conversation and it would never ever ever ever be brought up again.

I don't feel better. But I feel less worse.
which is good.

TO-DO-LIST:
cheograph another six eights
script
die
come back to life
die again

from the cheeky boy in chapman.

2009-10-25T22:53:00.001+08:00

Continue After Me...

My name is.... Namira Binte Abdul Nasir.

I think my name on my next life would be.... hmm something more imaginative than tom.. like, Summer Days. OMG that is soo cool.

I keep some memories.... on a notice board in my room. Anything ranging from movie tickets, nice napkins from diners and restaurants in America. Neoprints (God those were the times.) Hari Raya to-do-lists. Receipts from different countries, musical advertisements from Las Vegas.

If I would have kept... all the bottle caps of different bottles of cokes I drank from all over the world, I'd be able to construct a boat that would be able to ship the entire population of China from Hong Kong to Sydney.
I think we go to school to.... meet smarter people to gain more reality checks.

I secretly hate.... when people put their chins on my shoulders when they're leaning on me. This happens alot I don't know why. It's so tickly and I feel like bursting into humiliating laughter everytime someone does this to me its so embarrassing. It's such a weird feeling.

One think you have to know about me is.... though I may seem to enjoy the spotlight and social environments, I prefer to avoid them. I mean, I can function perfectly fine when the time calls for it, but the whole idea of cliques and groups actually turn me off. I think everybody should just be friends with everybody so that there won't be all that social hierachy nonsense.

My habit is to.... not look at people when I'm talking to them. I don't like to establish or sustain eye contact with people it's plain freaky. Then people say I'm not listening to them SHEESH. when I'm not looking at you, I'm paying deep attention. BUT, when I'm looking at you, I still am paying attention... just less attention.
If i could turn back time i would.... turn back time again.

My fantasy celebrity would be..JOHNNY DEPP.

2nd ANY HOT PLASTIC KOREAN BOYBAND MEMBER. preferably one that can dance like a GOD and has nice hair. like EUNHYUK OR KEY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

3rd ANY HOT PLASTIC KOREAN BOYBAND MEMBER. he doesn't have to dance like a God, just nice hair.

The most ridiculous thing I've ever done is.... flicked my shoe off the roof of the Esplanade until it landed outside the Esplanade library.

I love watching.... korean boys.

I do whatever.... my mother wants me to do because my mother rocks.

I have difficulties.... speaking without an accent. DARN ALL OF YOU WHO THINK ITS FAKE.

I think that I am.... lonely too. I may have alot of friends that may or may not like me for who I am, but when it really boils down to it, I really am lonely. Everyday, I realise how I've been throwing away precious time on people who don't even care about me and just pretend that they do. I've been surrounding myself with social hungry monsters who end up talking smack about me just because they can and they know. If it weren't for my best friends, I would be very very lonely. I just need to know that there is someone out there for me, who wants me for me and not for something they'd get just by being with me.

In 5 years time I will see myself in...university. I don't think so, I know it.
or... heehee. or? you tell me.

the levitation operation.

2009-10-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

hey ya'll. I didn't really mention this before, or did I, but I recently borrowed a Korean Phrase Book from the school library about a week and a half ago. Its due date is almost up in about three days which most probably means I'm going to return it about a week from now. Yes, the effects of irresponsibility.

So, it wouldn't be like me to just read that book and return it. I must apply it somehow. I must do something out of the ordinary with it. Books were meant for more than just to be read and tossed aside. There must be some form of sustained effect.

so.

I wrote a story. It's pretty awesome. There's more than one part to it but the phrases used are 100% taken from the phrase book. I didn't make any of this up. My mastery of the Korean language has evidently improved and yet, this was just for the fun of it.

the story is called: I like them Plastic.
remember this title? heehee. if you don't, scroll down and CHECK IT OUT.

Part one: THE BIG MEETING.

Namira: Anneyeonghaseyo, jeoneun Namira immida. (Hello. I'm Namira.)
Hot Korean Guy: Anneyeong. (Hello there.)
Namira: ireumi mweoyo? (What's your name?)
Hot Korean Guy: je ireumeun EunHyuk (my favourite superjunior member.) immida. (My name is EunHyuk.)
Namira: hangul mareun jeonhyeo. (I know very little Korean.)
Hot Korean Guy: Ah Haha! manaseo ban-gapseummida. *flashes hot smile*(Ah Haha! Very nice to meet you.)
Namira: *faints* algesseoyo? (Do you understand me?)
Hot Korean Guy: De. (Yes.)
Namira: mihonieyo. (I'm single.)
Hot Korean Guy: *winks* (GOD IF THIS HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE I WOULD JUST DIE.)

Part two: THE BIG DATE (Part I)

Namira: Eunhyuk anneyeong! (Hello Eunhyuk!)
Eunhyuk: Anneyeong. Nalssi cham jochi anayo? (Hello. Isn't it a lovely day?)
Namira: De. Changmun jjoge anjado doelkkayo? (Yes. Can have a seat by the window?)
Eunhyuk: Ne, dwaetseoyo. Mwo masillaeyo? (Yes, of course. What would you like to drink?)
Namira: Alkool seongbun eomneun geoseuro juseyo. (Something non-alcoholic please.)
Eunhyuk: Joeun saeng-gagieyo. Geunsahandeyo. Seuki jangbiga cham jonneyo. (Good idea. You look great. I like your ski outfit.)
Namira: *blushes* Gomawoyo. Dangsin cham joeun saramieyo. (Thank you. You're very nice.)
Eunhyuk: Beol malsseumeulyo. jeongmal bogo sipeosseoyo. (Don't mention it. I've missed you so much.)
Namira: (mutters really softly.) igeon andwaeyo. (This is no good.)
Eunhyuk: mwoyeoyo? (What?)
Namira: aniyo, amugeotdo. hwajangsireun eodie isseoyo? (No, nothing. Where's the restroom?)

HAHA.

darn you murphy.

2009-10-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

Murphy's Law could not have chosen a worse time to pop up. It's five forty one pm and our Written Report is still sitting here beside me and not with the board of officials of the Project Work Committee because our soft copy refuses to materialise. Right now, my group leader, Kenneth, is joining efforts with Mr. Ng so that hopefully, our WR would magically appear in the disk we're supposed to hand up.

Everybody's tired. We've been zooming all over the place for God knows what. Printing and binding, it's been a race for a less than satisfactory position. The real question is, are we going to cross the finish line at all? We're so near, yet so far. (ALAMAK SO CLICHE.)

....
...
..
.

OMG. IT'S OVER. WE DID IT. THE DOCUMENT CHOSE TO APPEAR AND NOW IT'S IN THE HANDS OF THE PROJECT WORK COMMITTEE WHO WILL DECIDE OUR FATE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS BUT OUR PROJECT EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS (EE) ALL THE WAY IN TERMS OF EFFORT AND HOURS OF SLEEP BLOODY SACRIFICED.

two thousand nine hundred and forty eight words.
ninety three pages. (you heard me.)
about seventy two hours of sleep foregone.
countless scoldings from our parents. (well mine at least.)
two viruses that got into my laptop.
a new developed love for school laptops.
four handsome, charming and unbelievable teammates whose efforts I truly appreciate from the bottom of my heart.

and its over.

ORAL PRESENTATION IS NEXT THOUGH.
but I'm not worrying. we're going to OWN IT.