Sunday, January 11, 2009/12:34 PM
I've been waiting for this review ever since I heard that the Twilight movie was coming out last year. I have waited and waited for this movie reviewer to state his opinion about Twilight and have it published for the entire of Singapore to see. In case you guys haven't read it, I am posting it here now.
SUCKING THE FUN OUT OF VAMPIRES:
Give me a vampire that sleeps in a coffin in a spooky castle, not one living in a designer home.
by Jeremy Au Yong.
What with the raging economic crisis, war in the Middle East and floods in the region, I thought this week I would tell you about a movie I watched last weekend.
The movie is called Twilight, which is based on a book written by a woman named Stephenie Meyer.
Both book and movie have proved to be huge hits here and around the world, for reasons not completely clear to me.
Let me first be clear that I was completely against watching this movie. I wanted to watch Ip Man, but I was outvoted, then dragged kicking and complaining into the cinema.
Anyway, you know how it is sometimes when you are really sceptical (this is how he spelled it) about something, but later find out that it's actually really good? Twilight is not one of those cases.
All it did was reinforce a long-standing hunch I had: Women are capable of taking the fun out of everything.
This is especially true of things which guys enjoy alot, such as video games, comics and, of course, football. Put the wrong sort of woman into the mix and you may find every ounce of fun squeezed out of it.
Twilight seems like the result of taking the uber-cool subject of bloodsucking super vampires and turning the whole thing over to someone's 13-year-old sister.
Let me give you a quick rundown of the plot.
The story revolves around a vampire named Ed and his human biology lab partner Bella.
The two fall in love (duh) despite Ed's initial attempts to stay away from her by skipping bio lab. This cunning plan did not work because he- and remember this is a vampire talking- "did not have the strength" to stay away from her.
Bella, in turn, is not turned off by this rakishly good-looking albeit very pale lab partner. In fact, she is intrigued by him. perhaps because she knows he is rich, can read minds, has superhuman strength, yet goes to high school.
He tells her his secret, but she still loves him and everything is just fine and dandy until a game of baseball when an evil vampire looks at her the wrong way.
The some other stuff happens which I won't spoil for you, assuming you still want to watch it after reading this.
In short, Twilight is Dracula meets Sweet Valley High meets a lobotomy.
I mean I can understand there being some romance, but it should be more the "you wronged my loved one, I will now avenge her with all the powers of darkness" sort of romance. And not the "Oh, I'm in pain because I want you but I can't have you" sort.
Vampires do not yearn. When a vampire wants a girl, he transforms into a bat, flies over there, bites her and she's his. He does not need to call his victim to arrange a meeting in a ballet studio. (This also happens in the film although not with the handsome vampire but with a plaid-wearing redneck vampire.)
And another thing: Vampires are nocturnal creatures. When sunlight touches their skin, they burn and slowly start to disintegrate or something close to that. They do not- and this is Twilight's biggest insult- sparkle like diamonds in the sun. Do not confuse a legendary icon of horror with My Little Pony.
Also, given a choice, nobody who is immortal and has superhuman powers would spend his time repeating high school.
What is this fascination with high school? It seems every other show in TV is set in high school and women -even those who left high school a long, long time ago- simply love it. How else do you explain 90210, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill?
Most of their feature actors, who are in their mid-to late 20s, are too old to be in high school unless they have been forced to repeat. Perhaps they are also vampires.
But back to Twilight. It is common knowledge that vapires do not need sleep. They sleep in coffins in the basement of spooky castles. They do not lounge around multi-million-dollar designer homes listening to an extensive CD collection.
And finally, vampires wear a black cape, not a trendy sweater-pants ensemble. Even Sesame Street got this right. Fashion is not a vampire's concern. A vampire's concern is not having to scrub blood stains out of cream slacks.
So, yeah, thanks for ruining vampires for me. I'm going to let this one go but please, I beg you, leave all the other horror icons such as werewolves, Frankenstein and zombies alone.
I mean, who knows what will happen of we leave this unchecked.
One day in the future, kids will grow up thinking a werewolf is this guy who turns into a Pomeranian during a full moon and rides around in a socialite's handbag, pooping diamonds and eating canapes, but not too many, in case his human form gets fat and he won't be popular in high school which he just moved to where everybody is so much richer than him, including this girl he really likes, who seems a bit mean but is actually just misunderstood.
And we certainly wouldn't want that. It would make werewolf movies really unfun, and we need all the fun we can get, what with this economic crisis, war in the Middle East and floods in the region.
Alright. This is Namira speaking now. This is what Mr. Jeremy had to say about Twilight. I have basically classified Twilight movie goers into two groups. People who love Twilight and People who hate Twilight. There is no in between. There is no indifference. You must be a fan or a hater.
I am not a hardcore fan of the movie but I love the book insanely. I mean, even a normal person would think that this review was a tad too harsh. It's not as if Stephenie Meyer was his Ex-girlfriend until she dumped him or something.
So I am going to compose a reply to this. And I am going to send it to him. But first I will post it here to see what you all think. I need all the reviews I can get. I will abstain from vulgarities and profanities as much as I can.
SUCKING THE FUN OUT OF VAMPIRES:
Give me a vampire that sleeps in a coffin in a spooky castle, not one living in a designer home.
by Jeremy Au Yong.
What with the raging economic crisis, war in the Middle East and floods in the region, I thought this week I would tell you about a movie I watched last weekend.
The movie is called Twilight, which is based on a book written by a woman named Stephenie Meyer.
Both book and movie have proved to be huge hits here and around the world, for reasons not completely clear to me.
Let me first be clear that I was completely against watching this movie. I wanted to watch Ip Man, but I was outvoted, then dragged kicking and complaining into the cinema.
Anyway, you know how it is sometimes when you are really sceptical (this is how he spelled it) about something, but later find out that it's actually really good? Twilight is not one of those cases.
All it did was reinforce a long-standing hunch I had: Women are capable of taking the fun out of everything.
This is especially true of things which guys enjoy alot, such as video games, comics and, of course, football. Put the wrong sort of woman into the mix and you may find every ounce of fun squeezed out of it.
Twilight seems like the result of taking the uber-cool subject of bloodsucking super vampires and turning the whole thing over to someone's 13-year-old sister.
Let me give you a quick rundown of the plot.
The story revolves around a vampire named Ed and his human biology lab partner Bella.
The two fall in love (duh) despite Ed's initial attempts to stay away from her by skipping bio lab. This cunning plan did not work because he- and remember this is a vampire talking- "did not have the strength" to stay away from her.
Bella, in turn, is not turned off by this rakishly good-looking albeit very pale lab partner. In fact, she is intrigued by him. perhaps because she knows he is rich, can read minds, has superhuman strength, yet goes to high school.
He tells her his secret, but she still loves him and everything is just fine and dandy until a game of baseball when an evil vampire looks at her the wrong way.
The some other stuff happens which I won't spoil for you, assuming you still want to watch it after reading this.
In short, Twilight is Dracula meets Sweet Valley High meets a lobotomy.
I mean I can understand there being some romance, but it should be more the "you wronged my loved one, I will now avenge her with all the powers of darkness" sort of romance. And not the "Oh, I'm in pain because I want you but I can't have you" sort.
Vampires do not yearn. When a vampire wants a girl, he transforms into a bat, flies over there, bites her and she's his. He does not need to call his victim to arrange a meeting in a ballet studio. (This also happens in the film although not with the handsome vampire but with a plaid-wearing redneck vampire.)
And another thing: Vampires are nocturnal creatures. When sunlight touches their skin, they burn and slowly start to disintegrate or something close to that. They do not- and this is Twilight's biggest insult- sparkle like diamonds in the sun. Do not confuse a legendary icon of horror with My Little Pony.
Also, given a choice, nobody who is immortal and has superhuman powers would spend his time repeating high school.
What is this fascination with high school? It seems every other show in TV is set in high school and women -even those who left high school a long, long time ago- simply love it. How else do you explain 90210, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill?
Most of their feature actors, who are in their mid-to late 20s, are too old to be in high school unless they have been forced to repeat. Perhaps they are also vampires.
But back to Twilight. It is common knowledge that vapires do not need sleep. They sleep in coffins in the basement of spooky castles. They do not lounge around multi-million-dollar designer homes listening to an extensive CD collection.
And finally, vampires wear a black cape, not a trendy sweater-pants ensemble. Even Sesame Street got this right. Fashion is not a vampire's concern. A vampire's concern is not having to scrub blood stains out of cream slacks.
So, yeah, thanks for ruining vampires for me. I'm going to let this one go but please, I beg you, leave all the other horror icons such as werewolves, Frankenstein and zombies alone.
I mean, who knows what will happen of we leave this unchecked.
One day in the future, kids will grow up thinking a werewolf is this guy who turns into a Pomeranian during a full moon and rides around in a socialite's handbag, pooping diamonds and eating canapes, but not too many, in case his human form gets fat and he won't be popular in high school which he just moved to where everybody is so much richer than him, including this girl he really likes, who seems a bit mean but is actually just misunderstood.
And we certainly wouldn't want that. It would make werewolf movies really unfun, and we need all the fun we can get, what with this economic crisis, war in the Middle East and floods in the region.
Alright. This is Namira speaking now. This is what Mr. Jeremy had to say about Twilight. I have basically classified Twilight movie goers into two groups. People who love Twilight and People who hate Twilight. There is no in between. There is no indifference. You must be a fan or a hater.
I am not a hardcore fan of the movie but I love the book insanely. I mean, even a normal person would think that this review was a tad too harsh. It's not as if Stephenie Meyer was his Ex-girlfriend until she dumped him or something.
So I am going to compose a reply to this. And I am going to send it to him. But first I will post it here to see what you all think. I need all the reviews I can get. I will abstain from vulgarities and profanities as much as I can.
self-proclamation.
My life is not a fascination worth the scrutiny of those who watch over me. Yet, I live amongst thin air and sparkling personalities.
I am an avid fan of the KoreanPop scene. So bring me to the number thirteen.
read my lips.
they're watching.
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