oh golly gee I couldn't have asked for a more spectacular birthday. no, never. it's one of those incomprehensible things I can never comprehend. hmm does that make sense? oh well.

I woke up today, wait I didn't wake up I was already up, to the sound of my phone vibrating hysterically. Scores of people wished me this morning and I thank all of you who took the time. Yes even you faiz who messaged me at eleven twenty because you wanted to sleep already.

when I went to school, reassuring myself that if people were to forget my birthday it'd be okay because funfestique is more important, it turns out that there were so many people who did remember! even people I didn't recall telling. people came up to me and shook my hand, dancers/female house comm members came to scream at my ear, classmates hugged me.

leadership investiture on a bright wednesday. during our 'house committee group shot' all of a sudden a cake appeared and oh my goodness. there's just so much things that happened. it makes me feel like crying.

my cake. no wait cakes. CAKES. I HAVE BLOODY AWESOME FRIENDS LAH. haha my beautiful coffee cake and my amazing pandan cake (which I got yesterday) that I not only got to taste on my tongue but also feel on my face. and my neck. and my arm. and my leg. I think some got on my skirt too. yeah definitely got some on my skirt.

after which there was the banner shopping/making and badminton trials that were so much fun. CONNIE is a brilliant shopping partner. the publicities feat suu and danny did a good (even though blotchy) job painting today. can't wait for tomorrow I get to do it again.

I went home alone. I think it's a good thing to spend sometime alone on your birthday. there's alot of things we can't mentally and emotionally express when you're with your friends. so yeah I cried and laughed in the bus, holding my silver cake platter. I think the people in the bus thought I was insane. I don't think I want to throw that away. I want to keep it. ohmygod can I? yes I will. it's my birthday I can do whatever I want with it.

I'd like to thank some people straight up:

firstly, SHARIFAH NURSYAFIQAH for that amazing present you gave me. I was beyond speechless. the time you must have put into that, I really can't imagine. syafiqah I love you sweetie. thanks for the lovely present.

secondly, SISKA AMEERA AND MARYAM ALJOFERI, for not forgetting. haha joking. I WILL meet you guys one day kay. I love you like mshfojdsghjkfsg.

FAIZ, ALYAH, SYAFIQAH, ZAFRAN, MATTHEW MOHAN, SISKA, EMILYN, FARIZ <3 HAHAHA, NABILAH, HANAN AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE WHOSE CONTACTS I HAVE LOST SADLY, thank you for your heartwarming wishes via SMS. sorry I couldn't reply to all of them! I SWEAR I DO LOVE ALL OF YOU. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

thank you SZE-ERN and RADYAMANSYAH for calling me at 11:57 p.m. I swear you guys sound so different on the phone. maybe it was because I was high or something at the time. HAHHA YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING LAAA. your birthdays I will do the same kayy. thanks you guys (: <3

NADIA, JAI/HADI, HADI, RAUDHAH, ATIQAH, KEVIN, SABRINA, BENJAMIN TAN, WAN LIN, SHARIFAH RAIHANAH, ARLENE, RAZMILSYAH, ADWYNA, FFARIZ, NUR AFIQAH, FATTAH, KHAIRUNISAA, FAQIHA and RAHMAN for posting lovely messages on my WALL on facebook. I love each and all of them. I am going to reply to them later! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

TRICIA, SABRINA, SALLY, ZARIFAH, FADHIL who tagged at my blog! haha thank you guys I absolutely love it! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. must repeat three times.

to 09S104 for the pre-birthday celebration! THE PANDAN CAKE WAS SEXUAL MAN (eh fariz, you pandai pilih kek ah.). and even though I got some in my hair and face, it's okay. I forgive you guys. HAHA. better watch out on your birthdays. I love you guys!

I want to thank my mat best friend in the world SERINDER KAUR for the breathtaking and adorable simpsons card you gave me! what you said, it was so damn BAIKKKK. love you serinder!

SI EN my darling thank you for the beyond fantastic COLLAGE. eh I freaking love that picture of us la we looked awesome. and when I disturb you, it only means I love you. a hell alot.

FADHIL, ALYAH and NADIA thank you for the chocolate and the freaking gorgeous bracelet! I love them both so much siaaa. don't worry you guys are better. haha (:

To the SEVENTH HOUSE COMMITTEE FROM ALL FIVE HOUSES (special mention to danial for buying the cake!) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE BIRTHDAY SONG YOU GUYS TOTALLY SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET ALL THIRTY FOUR OF YOU. thank you guys I cried a bit but you didn't see. haha I LOVE YOU GUYS!

To my lovely MERIDIANS, thanks for staring at me as if I was a crazed lunatic with half a sandcastle of a cake in my hand and cake on my face, skirt, arms, neck, hair. there was no cake box because I think someone threw it away. so I was like carrying the half cake around school like a delivery girl. thanks to all my beloveds who wished me in the corridors and hallways.

To my PHOBOS HOUSE COMMITTEE for being so understanding. Matthew and Firza, just wanna say that I couldn't ask for better leaders. thanks for insisting I go home. thank you to matthew for the wonderful words in the morning sorry I couldn't reply because the bus came! thank you firza for apologizing at night even though you absolutely didn't have to! Emilyn, Faiz, Nawawi, Fadhil thanks you guys for understanding too. I love you guys. I really mean it. PHOBOS HOT OR NOT.

To Shane Danial feat Belle. Shane you never cease to surprise me yet again. thank you for the lovely/beautiful flowers and my little XOXO bear. I couldn't love them more. I told you you didn't have to because you were all the way in LONDON but being stubborn as usual, you bought them anyway. thanks sweetheart, I love you (: and BELLE! haha you are in fact so much fun and so bubbly. don't tell shane what we talked about, yeah? it'll be a secret between us girls ;)

Lastly, to my family. MOM AND DAD, I know today was the first time in my seventeen years of existence that we didn't get to celebrate my birthday as a family on the day itself but there were some things at school I had to do. I love you guys the most! NADIA AND HAKIM, thanks for the presents I love you guys too. oh and thanks ATUK AND NENEK for the money. good fortune good fortune.

to namira: happy birthday you. don't stress so much lah kay. with such brilliant friends and family and cakes, what could possibly go wrong?

down with emo posts.

Labels: birthdays

FIRST YOU SAID YOU WON'T
THEN YOU SAID YOU WILL
YOU KEEP ME HANGING ON
AND WE'RE NOT MOVING ON.

WE'RE STANDING STILL
JENNY!
you got me on my knees.
JENNY!
is killing me.


why am I listening to this song? sheesh.
oh yeah, BECAUSE I FREAKING LOVE IT.

I'm tired. I'm really tired of the deceiving.
Take me away and never lie to me again.
or just take me out back and shoot me.
because that's all I'm worth.
a gunshot and you facing me for once, not lying.
doing the thing you've always wanted to do.

optimism doesn't help anymore.
my every breath is yours. my every sound.
so now, can you please just tell me the truth?
I've not stolen anything from you.
I'm just another girl, another face.
the only thing you like about me is that you have your way with me.
I'm never angry at you. you can say whatever you like to me.
and I will just laugh.

you say I've stolen your heart,
well you've stolen my everything.



I have a real post coming up later.

there is no sun now. there is no rain. as I look out of my balcony window, everything seems to basked in a soft, dim blue. this should be the weather for singapore everyday. it's so calm. people are afraid to go out just because they fear they'll disrupt the perfect cosmic balance of dusk. so still. no one moves, no one breathes. everyone just stares out of their balcony windows, staring at the sky, praying it'll never go away.

a boy walks alone, hands in his pockets, apparently caught up in his solitude. he stares at the ground and looks up in the sky. unthinkingly, he squints when he eyes the setting sun. he shrugs and continues studying the creases and cracks in the cement floor, unimpressed by nature's conversion from day to night. his golden black hair catches in the wind and caresses his cheeks. when he reaches the end of the pathway, he halts abruptly and deliberates. he turns on his heel and makes the same journey again, this time not pausing to look at the now disappearing sun.

I decided to question the dusk's perfect cosmic balance and stepped outside my door. I travelled down in an echoey lift. The doors parted and I searched for the boy. He was still engrossed in the grey floor, taking the same route I saw him take a dozen times. There was a faint furrow in his brow. I hid behind a pillar and watched him. He was too far away from my hiding place to see me, but I was close enough to hear him sigh. He stopped, midway of his pathway, and sat on the grass beside the pavement in one fluid movement. his rested his head in his hands.

I decided to approach him then. Deftly, I inched across the grass towards this sulky character and immediately regretted even taking the lift. I could turn back now, I thought. He's not looking. Yes that's what I will do. His head snapped up then, and I bit my lip guiltily. He stared at me confusedly then, and I just stared at my feet. He got up, straightened out his shirt and walked towards me. I was scared because his face was hostile.

He stopped just one breath away and stared down at me. I couldn't look down because that would be plain awkward so I stared at his perfect neck and breathed in his mouthwatering cologne. His breathing was shallow. We stood there for an immeasurable moment until he broke the silence and my neck-watching.

'Well, well, well.'
'Hello.'
'So?'
'Well..'
'Go on.'
'I'm sorry I'm late.'
'Late is kind of an understatement sweetheart. I've been waiting here for three hours.'
'Sorry.'
'What were you doing?'
'Staring at the sky.'
'Oh, I get it. I'm not as interesting as the sky, is that what you're saying? You could have called and tell me that you're going to watch the bloody sky instead of..'

I kissed him, then. Just to stop him. And because I missed him. I took his hand and we walked down the pathway, his eyes never left mine. I smiled then because I knew he found me more beautiful than the setting sun or the cement pavement.

I'm too a tired to even talk about the dream I had yesterday. But I swear, it was beautiful yet so strange.

I promise I'll talk about it tomorrow. But for now, it seems as though my life only revolves around school. I might as well constuct my own bedroom at MJC. sigh.

my dream about a sailor.

I'm feeling utterly lethargic today and I must say, its overwhelming. I really feel so tired as though I've just finished twenty two hours of school in a row. I might sound whiny now but what the fuck. I deserve to be whiny after all the shit I've had to put up with these past few days.

Being publicity I/C has put some major stress on me lately. I know have to collaborate efforts with the other four publicity I/C's and create a funfestique banner, decorate the events board which no one will see because the stupid councillors already took the visible side and also create posters to get people to join in the funfestique activites coming up.

I'm sure it's going to be fun because the pubics are bloody brilliant and fun people. Xiao Qi, Kenneth, Connie and Sherilyn are probably gonna make the gruelling experience a million times less suckier. So I guess I'm looking forward to it now.

Kenneth messaged me because kim told him to tell me that there's dance on wednesday. Joy.

sometimes, just to escape it all, I wish I didn't feel so alone in Meridian. I mean sure I have a lot of friends but heck, why do I feel so alone? does anyone really know me? when I say that I don't want to go somewhere, does anyone insist I go anyway even if I keep saying no? no not really. it's really difficult because the people you see everyday are the people you're up against and they know it. it's no use having a million friends if none of them really know you.

I think my homework is a lot less complicated than all this shit.

"you love me because I'm fragile. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."

mother says she doesn't understand me anymore. which is kind of a crude thing to say to your seventeen year old teenaged daughter who has just suffered a mental breakdown due to the catastrophe that is her my mid-year examinations.

it all started in the morning when I was helping her take out the trash. SEE, I was doing a good deed for her when she said she doesn't understand me. I will never understand mothers who refuse to show gratitude to hardworking daughters.

well the conversation started off when she noticed me carrying a trash bag which was leaking. trust me this doesn't happen very often:

mother: NAMIRA THE TRASH BAG IS LEAKING!
namira: oh. haha.
mother: DON'T HAHA ME! GO OUT OF THE HOUSE AND THROW IT QUICKLY!

so I ran to the rubbish chute like a hyperactive maid hoping none of the (hot) neighbours were watching me. I came back panting, I washed my hands thoroughly and went to sit at the sofa. I was watching her mop the floor when the real argument started.

mother: goodness. never check bag some more.
namira: sorry mama. it never occured to me.
mother: tsk tsk. this thing is going to make my floor sticky. WHO NEVER FINISH THE COKE?!
namira: wait what?
mother: the thing that was leaking was coke.
namira: OH MY GOODNESS THAT IS AWFUL MAMA.
mother: I know, it's going to make my floor super sticky now.
namira: NOOOO. THAT MEANS SOMEONE NEVER FINISHED IT! WHO COULD HAVE DRANK IT WITHOUT FINISHING IT?! THIS IS AWFUL. what a waste. what a waste.
mother: ...........I will never understand you, namira.

mommy, I love you.
dad, hakim, nadia, WHO NEVER FINISH THE COKE?!

Labels: alphabetically, disordered, labels

today is a very hmm day. there were so many things that happened today that just made me want to say hmm.. that means I was very thoughtful today. I should try and curb my thoughtfulness more because they usually magically transform into daydreaming.

chemistry was like ugh. their so called 'pep talk' was kind of effective I must admit. they were highlighting (ugh PW language) about how if we worked like freaking hard, we are sure and bound to get the results that we want which is kind of a relief because I was beginning to think that I wasn't making the cut in MJC because I wasn't smart. so now all I have to do is work hard. I suddenly feel like making a to-do list now.

to-do by tonight:
1. a bit of integration tutorial.
2. revise whatever gibberish that stupid lady was talking about during economics lecture.
3. find out what the hell that shy lecturer who kept on stammering as if she was talking to a crowd of cambridge examiners was talking about during chemistry. I don't blame her though, she seems awfully nice, if not a little timid.
4. find my damn chemistry and economics notes. (hmm maybe that's why I didn't understand whatever the teachers were saying. rightt...)

omg. I am sooo going to get at least two A's for my promos. I know its a longshot but fuck, I'm me. I'm sure I can do it. namira can do this, she can pretend to be intelligent.

and if I'm tired, I can just wash my face with cold water. that always works doesn't it? hell yeah.

hey you know what, my brother has MSN now. bear in mind, my brother is a decade younger than me which means he is in primary one. at primary one, the teachers are making little boys and girls get an msn account. WHAT. what happened to all the social consequences of introducing children to early to the world wide web crap?

well it's not really going to make much of a difference for my brother. he practically lives in front of the laptop. he likes to play those mindless games on miniclip.com. I have to start warning him about bad websites and all of that soon at the rate he's going.

I predict that by primary two, he will already have inherited my speed, elegance and ease in typing on the keyboard. And I've had oodles of practice. Secondly, my brother will have a girlfriend in primary three. This is because he thinks he can be like his kakak and talk to his friends all the time online.

hakim, when I was YOUR AGE, I thought only people mama and abah's age can talk on the phone, okay? I also thought that if I picked up the phone to call my friends, the receiver would bite my ear because I wasn't supposed to. I didn't even know what the hell internet was. but now, YOU are using phrases like 'kakak, the computer is running slow' or 'kakak, the computer's jammed' or 'kakak you have to press Ctrl-Alt-Delete'. HAKIM, YOU ARE GROWING UP TOO FAST. if you go on like this, you're going to be teaching me algebra when you're eleven.

I'm integrating myself now.


she said 'hey there boy come on over and sit.' love is when you want a kiss and you get bit.

I am going to reply tags now.

Danial: haha three pages is freaking alot for a slacker like yours truly.
allyy: if you're already rich, and your boot has a penny inside it, then how are you going to bring all your money home?
syafiqah: you and your Gu Jun Pyo madness. it's almost as unhinged as your obsession with andrew bravener! gasps!
siska: why don't you dooo somethang?
Sabrina: HAHAHA. yeah see I'm doing it again.
Connie: CONNIEKINS! he is super hot la kay.
nabzee: ohmygod. I SEE DEAD KITTIES.
nizam: haha I like you already. don't merajuk anymore kayy sayang.
mary: how to slap you? yes I know how you get with animals.
aman: what is this? is adzizul the lecturer and you're my tutor? I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS! hahaha.
syafiqah: um.. OKAY! hahaha.
aman: gasps! how can you say that about me.. haha so used to it.
siska: EHY! IF COKE CAN BEAT PLAIN WATER, IT CAN KICK ICE LEMON TEA'S ASS.
Danial: I wouldn't have felt so damn guilty about being on a holiday. I would have felt less guilt-ridden at those popular studying areas you mentioned.
siska: yeah I know right. I want to open a restaurant ah.
mary: hey that place really rocks okay don't underestimate it. you ah mary, all because you've never heard of it and is in malaysia doesn't mean there's no electricity. haha.
aman: no something reminded me of you. not that I was thinking of you.
connie: LINKED SWEETHEART (:
mary: yes?
Danial: why not? it WAS an inspired idea.
allyy: OMG THAT WOULD BE GREAT! a first hand encounter...
Danial: people-watching is the funnest thing ever. a bus is truly a place to broaden one's imagination span.
syafiqah: *gasps and starts crying*
Tricia: I miss you too sweetie.(:
syafiqah: yeah. it sent five times because I thought there was something screwed with my phone.
misscongeniality: hahaha the best tenex moment ever. I will never ever forget when we laughed so bloody loud that even the librarian was shocked! hahaha!
Tricia: HAHA yes my wedding is only going to serve coke. no food no nothing.
Errfee: AWW I LOVE YOU TOO ERRFEE SAYANG. *does secret handshake* haha secret my ass la.
fazz: is that a bad thing? I feel like I'm stealing material. I have no consideration at all for copyright infringements.
Danial: thank you dannny. ooh my stories are impactful.
syafiqah: haha we are like minah short story. though yours was much more overwhelming and powerful.
mary: haha yeah maybe I should concentrate more on short stories during lectures.
chilli sauce: high school musical is the sex.




I WANT TO APOLOGISE TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED HARRY POTTER TODAY. I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME ALONG BUT I SERIOUSLY FELT UNDER THE WEATHER BUT TRUST ME I FREAKING WANTED TO GO AND IT WAS SUCH A WASTE YOU GUYS MUST PROMISE TO BRING ME AGAIN SOME TIME. SO SORRY ESPECIALLY TO SYAFIQAH AND DANNNY :(

Labels: blogger, existed, I, in, knew, labels, my, never

I think this is a very funny video.

Paris Hilton: I'd love to do a song with you.
Lady Gaga: uh-oh.

~~~

Lady Gaga: and I always thought Stars Are Blind was one of the greatest records ever. quite honestly, it's a great pop record.

(WHAT!)

today was a fucked up day.
I really really hope my mother doesn't read this. she'll be like 'namira! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT WORD?!'

I was really expecting what happened today to happen to me. but sometimes, we can prove to be quite helpless towards overwhelming disappointment. sigh.

today, mr.wong just HAD to return our chemistry papers before our practical. it was really retarded because I scored really badly. like REALLY BADLY. it was the worse yet. I knew, KNEW I would get those kind of marks but when I saw the marks, it hit me like a slap on the face.

chemistry NAMIRA! you love chemistry! well, loved chemistry.

I managed to inconspicuously text syafiqah during lessons. we shared our 'progress' in claiming our mid-year results. sigh HOW NOW SYAF? our mid-years are screwed. we're both going to poly la like this.

after I got my paper back, I absolutely did not feel like doing practical, at all. I dragged my feet while retrieving my apparatus and did the whole experiment half-heartedly. I used to love practicals. especially since we get to walk around the lab wearing weird goggles and purposely bumping into our classmates and saying things like 'which coloured indicator should we use?' I used to feel smart in the labaratory. like when I expertly carried three test-tubes in one hand, poured chemicals into conical flasks effortlessly.

a chemistry experiment is like a dance cheography. everything is so rehearsed and precise. everything has to be perfect. from the volume of your limiting reagent right down to your last decimal point.

but today, it felt like the day I got an absurd scolding from Ms Hwee but worse.

when I was getting all my stuff ready for titration, I was thinking to myself, "What am I doing?" Why was I bothering with everything that I was attempting to do? Why did I have to bother to avoid parallex error or get the right number of beakers or round off my percentage to the appropriate number of significant figures when I clearly was not cut out for this?

I looked around. Every single person in the lab at that moment was smarter than me. They knew what they were doing. They weren't acting or posing for the 4H2 paparazzi like I was. I was living this double life. I was a secret agent infiltrating a top secret naval base in Ukraine. All I had to do was to steal the computer chip that controlled the massive satelite floating in space above the Indian Ocean that had the ability to tap into restricted American Military computer softwares in ten seconds.

Sure I could hold a gun, somersault or beat up the evil henchmen. But could I control the satelite? No. I was just the James Bond. James Bond isn't even bloody smart. in fact, he's fat.

but back to earth, I'm just a girl who can't understand chemical equilibrium.
if I can't even do that, how am I supposed to save the world?
I don't even know where Ukraine is.



To Siddiq and Fadhil whom I went home with just now,

thanks for the stories guys. now I cannot sleep. I must get my sister to read me a bedtime story. *shudders*

to my abang (yeah you know who you are): hey jetsetter, talk to me soon kay? have a safe trip (:

goodnight my lovely readers.

I thought of my angel again today. I felt him looming and lingering around me while I was buried in the endless titles of the MJC school library. remember I said angels didn't like the library? apparently that doesn't hold true for my angel. why do I attract all the weird boys? sigh. I love weird boys.

I thought I'd shake him off for today. but he said no deal because I'd been pushing him aside since the dawn of the mid-years. I shudder at the very thought and immediately he bites his lip, cautious now to not say anything that might send back the harsh memories through my mind. he stays quiet for a while, onlooking my browsing endeavour. he nods occasionally when the book I select pleases him and clears his throat if my choice disappointed him somehow. he is so picky it makes me want to tear my hair out.

his eyes stay on mine and I feel slightly distracted when they drift down my arm to my fingers that were playing across the spines of the row of books before me. when his eyes shoot back to mine, his lips turn down into a pout. He crosses his arms and with a defty sigh, leans on the shelf. I took in his crestfallen expression and felt my heart break. no angel should look so upset.

he doesn't meet my eye as I gazed at him. his eyes glaze over my face for a brief moment and immediately he looks away, as though he had just been caught stealing. he murmurs softly; so softly that I can barely hear him. I take one step closer to him and place my hand shyly over his. I ignore the shocks that the warm sensation of his skin shot through mine and whisper 'what's wrong?'

I stand there, waiting. time passed, though I barely took any notice of it. I was too caught up in his smell, his eyes, his breathing. I couldn't think straight. his mouth twitched.

'is this what it takes then?'
'to what?'
'to get you to come closer to me.'
‘what do you mean?’
‘all I have to do is put on a sad face, and immediately you’re drawn to me.’
‘you cheater.’
‘I never said I’ll play fair.’
‘you never do.’


Stop playing. how did I fall for a cheater?



ah. the result of absolute boredom whilst waiting for class to start.
sometimes, when a story emerges in your mind and you day dream throughout the whole lesson,
its good to let it out somewhere.

if you missed the blog post I have just deleted, you just missed four paragraphs of well written melodrama. but it's okay, for the sake of the person I wrote about, I shall delete it and pretend it never existed. because it's not worth being upset over an angel.

I went to a wedding today, and as usual I paid very scrutinized attention to my joyous surroundings, picking out any social cliches that would be worth mentioning. I surveyed the occassion, not engaging in unnecessary chatter with distant relatives. I barely knew anyone there, it was like every table was their own world.

the thing about weddings is, sometimes, you don't even know who the bloody hell is getting married. so you scan the area, looking for any familiar faces that can cause a chain of links and relations to suddenly become plausible in your mind. there isn't anyone you know other than your overly-social grandmother who is talking hysterically with four other ladies whom are beyond your recognition.

when you arrive, the first question that comes to your mind is 'dang is it a buffet?' I don't know about you guys, but I dread buffets. just the thought of having to get up and queue for your food brings me back to the school canteen and is enough to make you lose your appetite.

mother always says, if it's a buffet, restrict yourself to one trip to the food tables and never go there again. this is very useful information to a youth who still craves social decency in front of a crowd. especially when you're like me, an itchy little brat who insists on wearing heels and sucking the entire room's attention to your extreme height, it's best to know that your actions are deemed appropriate in front of your elders.

thankfully, today's meal was served. a big plate of nasi briyani was placed in front of us once we were seated comfortably. this means that you can take as much servings as you want because no one's looking. God I love it when this happens. not to say that I'm greedy or anything, but it's just so much better when you don't have to leave your plastic chair.

malay weddings are astounding. the whole scene just bursts at you. at this wedding, soft off-white translucent cloth was draped over our heads, calming and softening the crude and blatant white of the walls. I soak in the cheery mood and eat my briyani and take a sip of my fruit punch. (which I dislike. I am soo going to serve coke and coffee at my wedding and make everyone high. yes even the makciks.)

then the berkat comes. berkat are tokens of appreciation for your presence at one's wedding. see this is why I adore weddings. you go there, and you get to dress up so extravagantly without anyone calling you vain, get free food and presents! it's like going to a party. only, the music blasting out from the speakers is some malay ballad about a girl named Suzanna and the only thing you'll get if you tell the people around you that the roof is on fire is a major catastrophe and seven heart attacks on your conscience.

when you go to a wedding, an unavoidable question that would interrupt your pathway of mind-wandering is 'Will my wedding be like this?' I guess it's too early to say who you're going to marry unless you live in a kampung in Malaysia. who am I going to marry? ah, what a random question.

thank god random questions are my forte.
when I say shotgun you say wedding.

ugh. sorry I haven't been online to update frequently anymore. I'd proclaim a hiatus but I don't know, I just find it too cliche and if I really do start one, I'm bound to come running back to the computer in search of salvation anyway. So what's the point?

Sigh, so it's over. My first actual junior college examinations. Mid-year. ee, it sounds like a bad word on my tongue. I really can't help but cringe at the very thought of it considering how awful it went down. I've never been more unprepared for an exam in my life.

ohkay, actually I don't really prepare for exams but what the heck.

you know, for the day that I have my last examination like for now, it all happened pretty anti-climatic-ly. There were a turmoil of events today, all ranging from good and to freaking awful and it didn't help that my rollercoaster of moodswings was affecting my sense of judgement today.

I woke up at around, oh I don't know, THREE BLOODY O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I don't know ah, I set my alarm for two you know! why? WHY?! because, I decided to sleep in last night. which means I arrive home, eat, bathe, sleep. no studying or whatever. to compensate, I thought, oh what the fish, might as well study in the freaking early hours of the freaking morning.

THEN, at SIX IN THE MORNING, I got an sms from my guardian angel, syafiqah, wishing me luck for my exams in the morning. she couldn't wish me in person because guess what? MY EXAMS WERE IN THE AFTERNOON. that is like soooofdfdsj fkddjskjgh. I wanted to reply her but my STOOOPID phone was jammed so I could only receive messages but not send them. WHAT>FPJKFDL. IS SONY ERRICSON like RETARDED OR SOMETHING. aaaaah. UGH.

so I tried sending her five similar messages that went like this,

I DON'T HAVE A PAPER? BAAAIIIIKKK. maybe I should not have woken up so early then. GOOD LUCK FOR LITERATURE SYAF. GO HEATHCLIFF OR WHAT'S HIS FACE.

but duhh I couldn't send it.
oh my goodness I am soooo bloody moody, in case you couldn't tell.

well so I went to sleep because I did not want to collapse during the exam. I went to study at McCafe with radyaman. that settled my mind a bit even though there was this little row we had about volume strengths and redox equations. my double chocolate ice latte (thanks siska and syaf for introducing it to me! I'm hooked by its creaminess yet coarseness!) was a godsend and it ferociously woke me up.

when I went to school, still in a daze by how absurdly random and insane my morning had just went, I took my temperature, ate my double cheeseburger in the computer lab and crammed whatever chemistry info I could in my brain before it exploded.

at this point, I knew I was done for. And so, I took a step back from my notes, closed my eyes and dreamed a time when I was happy. So I stood there, my arms a bit outstretched as if reaching for an invisible, yet unattainable fantasy, clinging to whatever remains of my old self. Praying that this beserk robot hadn't taken over my lifeless body permanently.

but when I opened my eyes, I stood there motionless, in the middle of a quiet, empty corridor. I imagined myself being as hollow as the corridor I temporarily inhabited. the air was still, unmoving. silence shrouded me, but occasionally, the shrieking laughter of carefree girls would pierce the quiet. how I envied them. I was carefree too.

was.
now I'm a girl who walks around murmuring to herself about dipole moments.
now I'm a girl who's idea of fun is sleeping.
now I'm a girl who goes to the library in her idea of recreation.
now I'm a girl who falls when she dances.
who cries when she falls. who falls when she cries.
who falls.
and can't seem to pick herself back up.


I don't know who I am anymore.

My life is not a fascination worth the scrutiny of those who watch over me. Yet, I live amongst thin air and sparkling personalities. I am an avid fan of the KoreanPop scene. So bring me to the number thirteen.

♥♥

HULABAGI

♥

Siska(HU)

♥

Mary(LA)

♥

Syaf(BA)

♥

OMG09S104!

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