Thursday, January 08, 2009/8:41 PM
When Namira is in a bad mood, STAY AWAY.
I don't know why but I've been in a bad mood since morning. It stopped in the afternoon when I went out but then it came back when I returned home. I am not blaming my house at all. It's just that when I'm distracted outside, I tend not to think about you-know-what when it comes on you-know-when.
So when I went out today with my number one distraction in the world, I was very happy. I love going out, especially at this time when everything about me is so tense and Les Miserables. I feel like smashing my head against a wall because at least that is less agonizing that the wait or the arrival. GAH.
My heart beat, beats me senselessly.,
And my parents are the sweetest people in the world. My mother and my father are the best two people ever My dad is currently surfing the web for poly/jc courses because I can't be bothered to research. He's calling me to tell me how to fill my options and that I must have 12 options on my form. He's telling me what the MJC cut off point is (10). He's telling me that I can do it and that he will pray for me. It's heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. I am only doing this for three people. Me. My father. My mother. All I want is for them to be proud and for them to not cry. I want them to believe that I have not gone AWOL and irresponsible. I am also doing this for God, but God is not a person.
Why’s everything got to be so intense with me.,
I want to know my results now. I want to know my results never. Everytime I turn around, there must be some twinge of a reminder that whirls my mind to my results. Whether it's an advertisement of a poly open house on MSN, the word diploma in the newspaper, a course being endorsed on a website, or a lawyer appearing on the news, my heart burns at the sight.
What's worse is that even the most retarded of objects and incidents can hurt. Like a concert that has background dancers in them. I would think 'Is that what I would do when I grow up? Become a dancer inches away from the spotlight and never in it?' Or a mother pushing a baby girl on a pram, I would think 'Am I going to grow up, have children and not work? Maybe its because I am not qualified enough?' Or even a guy reading a book. I would think 'Hmm, I wonder if he's taking literature in Junior College. He looks like he's having a hard time. Maybe it's going to be like that for me..'
Ouch. Why must I not know?
I’m trying to handle all these unpredictability,.
The italic red words are lyrics from the song Long Shot by Katy Perry. Thanks Alyah for introducing it to me.
I am burning. Ignore my facade. Devastation shrouds my dreams and my aspirations, making it hard to see. Forcing me in a bleak whirlpool of ignorance and loneliness. Flames of uncertainty burn my skin and steal my words. I am breathless and I am drowning in the fire. I cannot scream because there is nothing to say. No one to call, no one to turn to. Then you came, unphased by the heat and by the chaos. You saved me. You caught me. You broke my fall, now don't break my heart. I am burning. But now, the flames ignite, and I love it. Don't douse the fire.
It wasn't a dream.
I don't know why but I've been in a bad mood since morning. It stopped in the afternoon when I went out but then it came back when I returned home. I am not blaming my house at all. It's just that when I'm distracted outside, I tend not to think about you-know-what when it comes on you-know-when.
So when I went out today with my number one distraction in the world, I was very happy. I love going out, especially at this time when everything about me is so tense and Les Miserables. I feel like smashing my head against a wall because at least that is less agonizing that the wait or the arrival. GAH.
My heart beat, beats me senselessly.,
And my parents are the sweetest people in the world. My mother and my father are the best two people ever My dad is currently surfing the web for poly/jc courses because I can't be bothered to research. He's calling me to tell me how to fill my options and that I must have 12 options on my form. He's telling me what the MJC cut off point is (10). He's telling me that I can do it and that he will pray for me. It's heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. I am only doing this for three people. Me. My father. My mother. All I want is for them to be proud and for them to not cry. I want them to believe that I have not gone AWOL and irresponsible. I am also doing this for God, but God is not a person.
Why’s everything got to be so intense with me.,
I want to know my results now. I want to know my results never. Everytime I turn around, there must be some twinge of a reminder that whirls my mind to my results. Whether it's an advertisement of a poly open house on MSN, the word diploma in the newspaper, a course being endorsed on a website, or a lawyer appearing on the news, my heart burns at the sight.
What's worse is that even the most retarded of objects and incidents can hurt. Like a concert that has background dancers in them. I would think 'Is that what I would do when I grow up? Become a dancer inches away from the spotlight and never in it?' Or a mother pushing a baby girl on a pram, I would think 'Am I going to grow up, have children and not work? Maybe its because I am not qualified enough?' Or even a guy reading a book. I would think 'Hmm, I wonder if he's taking literature in Junior College. He looks like he's having a hard time. Maybe it's going to be like that for me..'
Ouch. Why must I not know?
I’m trying to handle all these unpredictability,.
The italic red words are lyrics from the song Long Shot by Katy Perry. Thanks Alyah for introducing it to me.
I am burning. Ignore my facade. Devastation shrouds my dreams and my aspirations, making it hard to see. Forcing me in a bleak whirlpool of ignorance and loneliness. Flames of uncertainty burn my skin and steal my words. I am breathless and I am drowning in the fire. I cannot scream because there is nothing to say. No one to call, no one to turn to. Then you came, unphased by the heat and by the chaos. You saved me. You caught me. You broke my fall, now don't break my heart. I am burning. But now, the flames ignite, and I love it. Don't douse the fire.
It wasn't a dream.
self-proclamation.
My life is not a fascination worth the scrutiny of those who watch over me. Yet, I live amongst thin air and sparkling personalities.
I am an avid fan of the KoreanPop scene. So bring me to the number thirteen.
read my lips.
they're watching.
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