I'm exhausted. I really am tired. My arms ache from typing too much. Faiz got so happy when he realised he could type without looking at the keyboard. I've typed so much in my life that I can close my eyes and type at the same time. You might assume I'm complimenting myself here but to be perfectly honest, it just shows you the amount of time I spend in front of the computer. And it's very annoying.

I don't really know what's keeping me alive at this moment. I don't know whether it's the anticipation of all the stuff coming up or whether I'm just staying alive because I have to.

Warning: I'm about to incoherently babble like a chicken now. I don't think you'd want to pay attention.

When I look at the way I see my life, I like to look at things that are bothering me. For instance, if I lied to someone, I would find it difficult to sleep at night because I'd be tosssing and turning, hungrily wondering whether or not there's a chance he or she might find out about it. Subconsciously, my phyical habits are attributed to the fact that I am indeed a very emotional person that constantly finds herself in the deepest of shit holes.

I don't know how to not fall apart. My mind has been wandering aimlessly, etched to an unknown goal or destination that seems to keep me going. I'd say I'm hanging on to something but I really don't know what.

I think we've reached the age where we begin to see our lives as a gift we are obligated to receive. The things we do don't necessarily amount to anything presently or in the future. What are we rooting for exactly? God knows I really want to know.

So I guess what we have to do focus on the things that make our life worth living instead of brooding on why. For me, the companionship of my beloved friends and family are the very reason why I keep going even though my head doesn't want to. I might not have anything to look forward to now, but everyday, I wake up and think 'Damn it I wish today was Sunday.'

I lied to someone today.
It wasn't a huge lie but it was a lie. And I told it to someone, I've only recently began to trust. I don't know if he or she would pursue the truth or just perceive it the way I told him or her. I really hope its the latter because I really cannot handle anymore bullshit in my life. I don't want to hurt this person. But, I have to make decisions nowadays that I'm not so proud of.

You might think I'm brooding now. But the way I see it, I'm trying to console myself. Reasons she won't find out:

1. They work on different levels.
2. She barely knows him.
3. He barely knows her.
4. I'm not that interesting anyway.
5. She's probably really busy so I doubt she'll press on the matter.
6. She's her and not HER.
7. I think she forgot his name because I kind of on purpose mumbled it when she asked for it.
8. Maybe he won't be there tomorrow. By the time they even see each other's faces, she'd have totally forgotten about our dark conversation and it would never ever ever ever be brought up again.


I don't feel better. But I feel less worse.
which is good.


TO-DO-LIST:
cheograph another six eights
script
die
come back to life
die again

My life is not a fascination worth the scrutiny of those who watch over me. Yet, I live amongst thin air and sparkling personalities. I am an avid fan of the KoreanPop scene. So bring me to the number thirteen.

♥♥

HULABAGI

♥

Siska(HU)

♥

Mary(LA)

♥

Syaf(BA)

♥

OMG09S104!

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