I actually wanted to name this blog post 'Fetching my kid brother from school' but I've realised that there is too much to say that cannot be contained in such a narrow title. So here goes.

I've finished the structured questions and three essays for economics already. My aim was to finish economics today, and I think I'm on a good track. I just wanted to get it over and done with so I could tick off one subject off my daunting Things-Not-Done-Yet list. I must say that economics is very entertaining, especially when you're simply copying straight out from the notes instead of recalling it from memory. Though I have to admit that it was kind of demoralising when I was unable to vomit out information on my own accord and had to keep flipping over to my notes and such.

I think I'd be able to win points with the teacher because I wrote my essay plan right on top of my essay, so she knows that I actually used my mind while doing my essays instead of just my wonderful copying skills.

Have you ever re-read your essay after writing it? It's quite insulting, I couldn't believe the nonsense I wrote. I think it's because I was listening to music at the same time. So what came out was COMPLETE rubbish. There were even some korean words here and there. I really need to concentrate.

My brother really has an attitude of a fifteen year-old brat. At around four o'clock today, I took a nap because my brain was really exhausted after so much work. (okay when you read this you have got to know it was bullshit because I merely copied.) An hour later, I woke up after such a deep deep dream that naps don't usually provide. I went out and all my mom could say was; 'OH NAMIRA JUST IN TIME. GO PICK YOUR BROTHER UP.'

Mother couldn't do so because the guy in her korean drama just died in her favourite episode ever and she was crying.

I don't want to talk about my bratty brother because it would just aggrevate me further.

My mother cleaned up my room today. Isn't she sweet? I guess she didn't want me to move since I was studying so hard so she cleaned up my room because she said that my room was unable to sustain human life, let alone let me study with a sound mind.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID? She emptied out all of my drawers with all of my papers from past years and all that and dumped them outside and told me she was going to throw them away! CLEARLY I AM A SENTIMENTAL PERSON AND PARTING WITH MY BELONGINGS NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE JUST KILLS A PART OF ME INSIDE.

But she did and there was no stopping her. Previously, I used to tell her to give me time so that I could sift out all of the papers and books that I wanted to keep as memories. Then she'd complain that that was what I said when I was secondary one and there is still some trash left from 2006 in my drawer.

Mother it's not trash. Those are me translated into ugly handwriting on math worksheets when I was younger and when she loved me more.

Drained, I just stared at my beloved pile wistfully. Wishing there was some magic room with a door that only appears when I clap my hands twice with one of my eyes closed in my house that I could just stuff all of my papers in so that one day when I'm really old and bored, I can look them over and say 'haha namira, you were such a minah then.'

I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT NOW. BECAUSE MY MOTHER THINKS IT'S TRASH.

So one by one, I looked them over. Looking for any bits of fond memories I could salvage for my future self. It was truly a nostalgic journey. So what did I save?

1. One of my Additional Mathematics Examination papers that I got an A for. There was even a note from Mrs. Low at the bottom of the page. It read:

CONGRATULATIONS NAMIRA! YOUR BETTER ATTITUDE THIS YEAR HAS DEFINITELY EARNED YOU THIS A.

I'll explain my previously sour relationship with Mrs. Low another time. It's seriously one of those stories worth telling.

2. All my english compositions so that I can track my improvement from 'BAD' to 'BADASS'.
3. A consent form for a field trip my school held when we could go see all the religious buildings and learn about other cultures and all that. I remember my very own peacock feather that I bought at Little India.

If you are saying 'WHY THE HELL ARE YOU KEEPING A CONSENT FORM?' I just don't want to forget how consent forms look like as they are. I think in the future, they'd just use SMS or something.
4. All those notes I used to pass to Hanan, Kuan Yong, Syafiqah, Siska, Maryam, Shabrina, Nabilah etc etc. I love every single one of them and reading some of them actually made me cry because life was so good back then. It's so different from now.

We used to send notes to each other, and now?


Yeah those are the things I salvaged. It was a truly sad moment as I blew a kiss to the gargantuan yellow recycling bag before I said goodbye to all of my papers and threw them into the blue bin.

 I wanted to say a little prayer, wishing for them to be recycled safely and for them to be used as papers people would actually read and treasure like love notes or wedding certificates instead of stupid things like receipts and phone bills but there was a guy in the car behind me. It'd be really weird to see some girl whispering silently into a recycling bin as if the remains of her dead relative was lying right inside.

I would say that I did what I had to do. Even though it tooks years for me to do it, I'd accomplished what I had to do, what I was sent to do.

I didn't take anything from it. Anything that I thought I'd take from this whole experience was just snatched away from me, intentionally or otherwise. By assumptions, or skeptivity.

Hypocrisy is a crime, and I hate hypocrites. Is it so difficult to just be who you are and be happy with it? Must you live off every little thing that comes into your life? I can't believe I'm saying this but, must you make your life look like such a Korean drama?

I don't hate you, though I think you are strongly discontented with me. I just want to say that whatever it was, it was great while it lasted.

Tonight, I vowed to be alone. I vowed to be happy. I didn't want to delude myself with a bright, magical start to the new year. Just shut everything out. It should be easy as cake.

 The guy next to me didn't appear to have any trouble embracing his solitute. If a charming, sweet-looking man like that could be alone on new year's eve, so could I. Look at his bowler hat and cartoon shoes. He must be enjoying life.

Now stop staring at the man and look at the pan. Wait no, an ancient Egyptian saucer used for serving delicacies to the royal family.


"Happy new year,"

I peered at the saucer in the glass case harder, praying to God that I did not just hear it mumble. Reflected in the glass case was the guy in the bowler hat, staring at the exact artefact beside me. Only, though his eyes were concentrated on the pan, they seemed to drift away towards something prettier.


"Well aren't you going to wish me back?"
His green eyes were fixed on me now. As if I was some egyptian plate with turqoise and golden intricate designs weaved on the rim of my eyes. I couldn't help but stare back. I've never stared at someone for so long ever since, well five minutes ago. When I was watching him carelessly eyeing a carved wooden dove as if he was thinking about buying it for his mother's birthday.

"You know what they say, you either wish a person happy new year, or you kiss him. Or her."
"I've never heard of that."
"So you do speak English. I was about to switch to a Spanish dialect for you."

His green eyes were lighter now. More playful. Why is he bothering me anyway? Shouldn't he find the Indonesian exhibit more fascinating than someone who called a saucer a pan?
 "So what's it going to be? A greeting or a kiss?"
"Happy new year."

It was the lowest sound I had ever heard but it sounded like a chuckle deep in the back of his throat. It gave me goosebumps.


"I like your dress."
"I like your hat."
"What are you doing in the museum on new year's?"
"I wanted to be alone, and avoid conversation."
"Maybe you should have tried the library. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Only if,"
"If?"
"Please let me wear your hat."
"Why?"
"I want to wear something that makes me look like I'm happy, that I couldn't care less about the world. That I like the colour pink and believe in magic. That I giggle when someone touches my neck and prefer silver to gold. I want to look like I have really beautiful eyes and thin ankles."
"You do have beautiful eyes and thin ankles are only for those who only want to wear pretty shoes but are too afraid and weak to walk the world with their bare feet."

He took off his hat and placed it gently on my head. He ran his fingers through my hair and straightened it across my shoulders. He took my hand and took me outside where merry cheers filled the dark night.

It's going to be a good year. I could feel it when I wore his hat.

Well yesterday didn't exactly go as planned but I loved every single minute anyway. Thank you syafiqah and siska for hearing me out. Thank you siska for letting me shop with you and not losing your patience with me. I really really like those jeans. I'll pass you the red stretch belt and my beanie another day.

studying in the afternoon today, God please give me strength.

My life is not a fascination worth the scrutiny of those who watch over me. Yet, I live amongst thin air and sparkling personalities. I am an avid fan of the KoreanPop scene. So bring me to the number thirteen.

♥♥

HULABAGI

♥

Siska(HU)

♥

Mary(LA)

♥

Syaf(BA)

♥

OMG09S104!

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